I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
