You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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