So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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