god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
