we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
