My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
