you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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