so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
