official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We need to get me chipped asap
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
