Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
