im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
