I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
