I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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