I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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