She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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