I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
