shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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