i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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