just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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