I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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