this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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