at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
