Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You ate ashes out of my bong
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
