Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
