I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
