sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
