just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
