how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
