Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
