I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
