man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
