He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
