dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
