tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
