i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
