I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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