I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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