Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am naked and annoyed.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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