I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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