don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
