sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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