Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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