I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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