I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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