i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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