dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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