I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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