my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
