you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
