I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
