life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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