You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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