You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
