Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
