I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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