I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
