Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
